JUPITER AND THE DOGS
Once upon a time, the dogs sent ambassadors to Jupiter to ask him to improve
the conditions of their life and to save them from being mistreated by people
who fed them nothing but bread that was full of bran, compelling them to satisfy
their hunger with unspeakable filth. The ambassadors set out on their mission
but were hardly swift of foot: instead they sniffed for food in heaps of manure
and did not even come when called. With considerable difficulty Mercury found
them at last and dragged them into heaven. The dogs were wild with excitement
but when they glimpsed the face of mighty Jupiter, they were stricken with fear
and covered the floors of the palace with shit. They were chased out with clubs
and went outside, but Jupiter would not let them depart. Meanwhile, the dogs
back home were surprised when their ambassadors did not return. After a while
they concluded that the mission must have ended in an embarrassing failure,
so the dogs ordered that other ambassadors be appointed in their place. Eventually
they learned the full story of their predecessors' shitty performance, and they
were afraid that something similar might happen once again, so this time they
stuffed the dogs' behinds full of perfume. The ambassadors received their orders
and were sent on their journey; as soon as they requested an audience in heaven,
it was granted. The supreme father of the gods took his seat and as he rattled
his thunderbolt, the universe quaked. The dogs were startled by the sudden upheaval
and promptly pooped, their shit now mixed with perfume. The gods all demanded
that the dogs pay for this outrage so Jupiter issued the following decree before
punishing the dogs: 'A king cannot refuse ambassadors leave to depart, and it
is hard to decide on a penalty that suits their behaviour, but their insolent
prank cannot go unrewarded: accordingly, I will not prevent their departure,
but I condemn them to a starvation diet, so that they will be able to keep control
of their bowels. Meanwhile, those dogs who twice appointed such incontinent
incompetents as their ambassadors will forever be humiliated by mankind.' As
a result, dogs of this later age are still on the look-out for their ambassadors,
so whenever a strange dog crosses their path, they take a whiff of his behind. |